


or lack thereof

by riverblujay



Series: adventures in gender [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Agender Virgil, Gen, Prequel, Virgil centric, narrative parallels, questioning gender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 09:56:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15928049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riverblujay/pseuds/riverblujay
Summary: "Sometimes Virgil didn’t feel like a ‘he.’A boy. Or whatever. Virgil’s life was a long list of not fitting in, and this was just another way he didn’t measure up. Not dark enough for the dark sides, too dark for the light sides; not a boy (maybe- but Thomas was a boy which didn’t make any sense) and Virgil wasn’t a girl either. Sometimes he didn’t want to be anything."(or: virgil isn't cis. a prequel toroman vs the gender binary)





	or lack thereof

**Author's Note:**

  * For [virmillion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/virmillion/gifts).



> so i was originally going to gift another fic to lab,, but i got major writers block on it so you get this instead!!)

Sometimes Virgil didn’t feel like a ‘he.’

A boy. Or whatever. Virgil’s life was a long list of not fitting in, and this was just another way he didn’t measure up. Not dark enough for the dark sides, too dark for the light sides; not a boy (maybe- but Thomas was a boy which didn’t  _ make any sense _ ) and Virgil wasn’t a girl either. Sometimes he didn’t want to be anything.

There was no point in saying anything to anyone- after all, who would want to know? Not to mention, who would believe Virgil? Patton, maybe, but even though Virgil had been spending more time with the others that didn’t mean they liked Virgil any more. 

Virgil hid out in his ( _ why does the idea of being called a boy still bother Virgil _ ) room a lot, not wanting to face the other sides. They didn’t like the anxious side, so why should Virgil even try? Plus, being alone meant Virgil didn’t have to deal with being referred to as a boy all the time- it made no sense, but it still bothered Virgil enough to at least admit it. 

Scrolling through tumblr aimlessly, Virgil saw a post that the anxious side normally would have skipped past but for some reason felt the urge to read. Some random positivity post, the kind that was very common on the blogging site, but one word stood out:

Agender. 

Opening a new tab, Virgil searched the term (Virgil had seen it before, and was somewhat familiar with it, but the anxious side wanted to be  _ sure _ ). 

_ a person who identifies as agender doesn't feel as if they belong anywhere on the gender spectrum at all; genderless or lacking gender. _

“Holy shit,” Virgil whispered. That was it. The anxious side wasn’t going crazy, it wasn’t all in Virgil’s head, it was  _ real. _

(In hindsight, it made sense that Virgil wasn’t specifically a boy or a girl or anything: after all, anxiety wasn’t something that was gender specific.)

Virgil paused. “Their favorite color was purple,” they whispered reverently, cherishing the way the pronoun didn’t bring immediate nausea the way  _ he _ or  _ she _ did. “They aren’t a boy. They aren’t anything. Their name is Virgil.”

It felt  _ right _ to them, in a way nothing had in awhile.   
  


\---  
  


The worst days, they decided, were filming days.

Even though it didn’t always feel like absolute shit when they were referred to with “he,” they found that being called a boy was far more bothersome. Sometimes it made Virgil want to scream.

_ That’s not me, _ they frustratedly thought,  _ I’m not  _ anything.  _ Why isn’t just being a person enough? _

(Side. Whatever.)

They were steadily growing closer (less hated?) to the light sides. Hell, Patton was nice to everyone, but seemed to be even more fond of Virgil lately. Even Logan was less… overtly against?... them. Roman still hated Virgil, but Virgil couldn’t blame him. Why would anyone  _ want _ anxiety?

The videos were growing more and more popular; Logan, Roman, and Patton had all revealed their names. Virgil was still the antagonist (they were pretty sure, at least). Things kept changing, and Virgil wasn’t a fan. So of course Thomas had to make a video about it. (Let it be known: Virgil hated shapeshifting. It was infuriating, not to mention the fact that being changed without their permission stung a little, as though any progress they had made with the other sides had disappeared.

Not to mention how even though Virgil sometimes didn’t like how they looked (they hadn’t ever thought they would actually experience dysphoria, except, wait,  _ they had been feeling it at random times for years _ ) but being forced into another’s shape, body, whatever… It felt even more  _ awful gross wrong _ and Virgil hated every second of it. Their bangs weren’t the only thing they had been happy to get back.)

For a single moment, Virgil irrationally hated Logan. Irrationally, because there was no way for the logical side to know, but still…

_ “We’re all still the same aspects of Thomas’ personality, so ‘he/him’ pronouns all around.” _

Some days it  _ did _ hurt them in a way nothing else could when the others used “he,” and it was just their luck that a day where Logan had unknowingly misgendered them would be one of those days. 

After the video, Patton had tried to coax Virgil into eating dinner with him and the other sides, but they didn’t feel hungry. They just wanted to curl up under their covers and maybe even cry.

 

\---  
  


Occasionally, Virgil would put on more makeup than they ever wore around the other sides.

Not just heavier eyeshadow or basic foundation- no, they would go full out, with black-as-night and sharp-as-knives winged eyeliner and shimmering eyeshadow (and it wasn’t even all black). They had learned how to do their brows, too, how to sculpt and shape and fill them to perfection. They were surprisingly good at contour, they had discovered, and they loved the way lipstick looked and felt on their face. 

Their hair, while appearing the same length as Patton, Logan, and Roman’s, was actually long enough to braid, as long as they were careful. Hair hadn’t come nearly as effortlessly to Virgil as makeup, so there were quite a few youtube tutorials involved. They sometimes wore skirts, or crop tops, or clothes that just generally made them look more androgynous than masculine. (Yes, Virgil  _ did _ know that clothes were as genderless as they were, but that wasn’t the point.)

(The point was they were starting to maybe feel more confident, maybe a bit more like what they were  _ supposed _ to be. Like they were starting to be their real self, the truest version of them that there was or ever would be.

They liked how it felt.)

 

\---  
  


Admittedly, “ducking out” hadn’t been the best idea, but they were honestly frustrated that no matter how much seemed to change with the other sides, in the end it always stayed the same. Virgil was always destined to be the villain, the others were always meant to be the heroes, and that was just how life was. The most hurtful part was how the sides acted as if maybe they believed Virgil wasn’t evil but then turned their thoughts around as fast and painful as a slap to the face. It wasn’t fair to the other sides, Thomas, and dare Virgil say it, themself. So they left.

If they didn’t want Virgil, why should they stay?

And sure, it became clear that they “needed” Virgil, or whatever, but that didn’t mean things would change right away. They confessed their name, but not their greatest secret. There was no need to push the envelope, after all. If they had trouble accepting Virgil, there was no way they would take Virgil’s gender any way but badly.

Virgil had had enough of being the outcast.  
  


\---  
  


Weeks passed, and things weren’t going terribly, they supposed. They still had made no mention of not being cis, but they  _ had _ started to hang out more in the living room and with Patton, Roman, and Logan in general. Which was something. Virgil still hid in their room from time to time when the dysphoria became too much, but other than that things had been decent. The four sides ate meals together, they watched movies, and actually enjoyed the others’ presence. Things were looking up.

So of course it would be another video that had the chance to ruin everything Virgil had tried to build. 

They generally hung out with the other sides post filming, so it wasn’t that far out of the ordinary for Patton to insist everyone have dinner together that night. Everyone pitched in a little, Patton and Roman working together on the pasta, Logan throwing a vegetable medley together, and Virgil just putting oven-ready garlic bread on a pan and sticking it in the oven before helping set the table. In no time at all, dinner was ready and the four sat at the table. 

“Virgil?” Roman hesitantly asked. He had been the one trying the hardest with them, the one who regretted everything that had happened before the most. “Do… do you feel more- oh, curses, this is difficult- do you feel like you ‘fit in’ more with us, now?”

There was a silent question there too, one that Roman always left unasked but Virgil always tried to answer anyways.

_ Am I doing better? Am I still a bad person? _

“Well… yeah, I think so.”

“Good,” the creative side said softly. “That’s good.”

“Yes, it is excellent to hear that you feel more at ease with us,” Logan added.

“Well, I’m just glad that you trust us! Especially with your name,” Patton said.

Virgil’s next inhale was incredibly quick and large, accompanied by a lip bit in anxiety and hesitation. “Um, actually,” they trailed off, “there might kind of be one other thing I need to tell you.”

They had been considering mentioning their gender to the other sides for awhile, now- coming out, as one says. Personally, it wasn’t a huge deal to Virgil, but they didn’t deny that it would be nice to not be referred to as a boy when they weren’t one. To actually have the others use “they” and “them” on the days when it mattered. (Virgil, personally, used they/them pronouns in regards to themself all the time, but usually it didn’t matter what the others used. They hadn’t wanted to make a big deal over it. Sometimes, though, even “he” and “him” were too painful and sickening to bear.)

All three of the sides stared at them expectantly, but Patton was the first to speak. “What is it, kiddo?” he asked gently.

“Well,” Virgil hesitated. “Just- don’t make a big deal out of it. Seriously. But, um,” they ducked their head, “I’m...not cis.”

The silence was terrible, worse than any shouting could ever be. They looked up to find the others staring at them in shock. Virgil took another deep breath. As much as they wanted to run off and hide in their room, it would only make things worse in the long run. 

“I’m agender,” they said into the silence, trying to sound as confident as they could. “I’m not a boy. Or a girl. I’m just me.”

Roman and Logan still seemed to be stuck in silent surprise, but Patton managed a smile at them. “I’m glad you felt you could trust us with this, Virgil.”

They flushed under the attention but quietly thanked the moral side nonetheless. The logical side cleared his throat. “Would you like us to refer to you with different pronouns?”

Virgil exhaled slightly with relief. The others taking it in stride was more than they could have hoped for. “I’m alright with he/him, for the most part, but there will be days where I’d rather you use they,” Virgil admitted. “And I feel uncomfortable being called a boy, or male, I guess, under any circumstances,” they stated awkwardly.

“Then it is so,” Roman practically yelled excitedly (probably with too much excitement, to be quite honest), suddenly standing and his chair slightly squeaking across the floor as it was pushed backwards. “Let it be known: Virgil is a person who is too epic to be constrained by society’s foolish gender binary!” 

Virgil chuckled a little, trying to hide their laugh under their hand. Of course Roman would be over the top about it, but over the top in the perfect way. They failed at forcing down their increasingly loud laughter but Logan, as much as he claimed to not have emotions, was laughing too. Patton giggled at the creative side’s antics.

They were so,  _ so _ lucky, and they couldn’t believe this was their life now. 

(Not that they would trade it for anything.)  
  


\---

 

It was months later that Virgil heard a quiet knock on their door.

They had been scrolling through tumblr again, taking a break after actually putting on a full face of makeup that morning. They had chosen a shirt further out of the realm of their “usual” (read: video) wardrobe, because they knew they wouldn’t be filming today. They pulled the door open and were slightly surprised to see Roman standing there, nervously fidgeting with his hands.

“What is it, Roman?” they asked the creative side after getting over their moment of shock. Roman, on the other hand, seemed to have frozen.

“Well,” they asked again, if a little sarcastically, “What was it you wanted to see me for, your majesty? Otherwise I’m just gonna go back to my room.” Roman seemed to become even more nervous at that (though it could just be the effects of Virgil’s room. In which case it was better to send Roman off sooner rather than later. After a long moment’s silence, Virgil started to close the door.

“No! Wait-” Roman almost shouted, the plea flowing quickly and desperately out of the creative side’s lips. They stopped and turned to stare at the creative side once more.

“I…” Roman asked hesitantly, nervousness making his voice tremble slightly. “Can- can you maybe do my makeup?”

They took a second glance at Roman, raising an eyebrow for appearances but realizing exactly what was probably happening in the creative side’s mind. 

“Fine,” Virgil said, as though they didn’t know what had brought this visit on. They told Roman to meet them in the living room. 

“Actually,” they added just as Roman was about to leave, “stop by your room and change into clothes you wouldn’t mind getting dirty, just in case.”


End file.
